#parenting
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
The Onion called it…again.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??