Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
absolutely not
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
stand with me against insufficient seating
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
In space, no one can hear…
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”