GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
#Caturday
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Otters drive ottermobiles.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.