Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.