Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?