stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.