cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
cats when you pet them too long:
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals