I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]