Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”