The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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i prefer mine room temperature.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’