There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
i meant to share this earlier
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
At least my masseuse has my back.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”