Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Come back with a warrant
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn