I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I used to be married, but I’m better now