Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot