FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
You Might Also Like
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Breaking news:
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone