When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
You Might Also Like
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Never forget.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP