carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.