BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*