Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
What a website
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.