I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs