7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner