Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims