I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You Might Also Like
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
incredible text to wake up to
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god