I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.