Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Morning.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Terribly Tuesday.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home