coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Breaking news:
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble