I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
o shit
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
At least my masseuse has my back.