Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time