[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
*seductively eats two tums*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise