I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.