Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My birthstone is kidney
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Lol.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.