I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Go girl power!
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”