“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
What the hell happened in there??
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
who wants to go expliring
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people