*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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Interior design 👌
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating