I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
The news in a nutshell.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
bias laundering edition
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”