Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on