Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
yeet
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.