[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once