You Might Also Like
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.