why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
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ok like just. call me at this point
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.