It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER