Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
🤣🤣
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”