Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Not all heroes wear capes…
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.