[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Guantanamo Bae
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate