Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*