Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
when you don’t want to be too vague
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now