To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife