The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.