sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Don’t talk down to me
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Netflix and awkward silence?