fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
so this horse walks into a bar
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
at ease…shoulder.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.